We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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