Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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