I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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