he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Two words: nipple clamps
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