please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
