he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
