I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
