i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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