You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
