Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
