Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
