Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
