everyone is single if you try hard enough
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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