so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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