I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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