2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
