I seem to have left my pride at pride
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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