I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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