Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
