i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
