We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
