I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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