the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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