Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dicks are not precious.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
