I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
