you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
