Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
