My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
