Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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