The maid of honor just puked.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
why do cheetos always look like penises
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
