used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
