nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
