i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
