on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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