I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
