Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
