peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
