the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
