I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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