I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
