There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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