I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
