You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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