I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
