I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
