onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
