Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
