and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
