Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it's great music for shaving your balls
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
