You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
