So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
