Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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