remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
