Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
